The Avengers vs Norse Mythology
by pupeez4eva
Summary: "He did the dirty with a HORSE!" Tony cut in, a note of hysteria in his tone. "And then — and then he gave birth to a little four-legged creature of his own! Thor, that is NOT normal!" - In which the Avengers are horrified to learn that Loki really did give birth to a horse.
"No offence Thor, but your brother is one weird guy," Tony muttered, slouching back in his chair. They'd been discussing anecdotes from their younger years, and the entire group agreed that whenever Loki popped up in one of Thor's stories, the tales always became more than a little ridiculous.

Thor shrugged, not looking particularly offended. Tony decided that this was either due to the fact that the stories had put him in an extremely good mood, or because he still hadn't forgiven Loki for the New York debacle (which was _completely_ fine by him — no one should be forgiving Loki for _that_ anytime soon. Or, ideally, _ever)._

"It could have been worse," Clint interjected, and then grimaced slightly. "I read a bit of Norse mythology back when I was a kid — it is _not_ pretty."

Natasha, who had been sipping calmly from her glass, glanced up. There was a glint of amusement in her eyes. "Oh, you mean Thor wearing a wedding dress?"

Thor flushed bright red. "That never happened!" he cried.

"Of course not Thor," Bruce said placatingly. "No one is saying you did. They're just stories."

Tony shrugged. "Eh, that one could have had an ounce of truth to it," he said, ignoring Bruce's reproachful stare. "It's not _inconceivable_ that Thor could have a liking for frilly dresses — "

"I am a warrior!" Thor roared, slamming his fist on the table.

Tony held up his hands defensively. "Whoa there big guy, I never said you weren't!" he cried hurriedly. "Besides, the whole thing was Loki's idea, right Nat?"

"More of less," Natasha replied, shrugging lightly.

Thor frowned, still evidently displeased. Bruce opened his mouth, deciding that now might be the best time to change the topic — this was their night off, the last thing they needed was yet another team-argument — when Clint spoke up.

"But seriously guys," he said, "these myths get _really_ weird. Like the one where Loki gives birth to a horse — "

Steve — who had been relatively silent up until now — jerked forward, his eyes widening. _"_ _What?!_ _"_

"Oh yeah," Tony said, nodding enthusiastically.

"He — oh wow." Steve flushed. "And then, he, uh — how did he — ?"

"Have sex with a horse," Clint supplied, and Steve choked.

"And what a fine steed it was!" Thor enthused. Somehow this statement went relatively unnoticed, save for an odd stare directed at Thor by Bruce. The others were preoccupied with the horrific thought of Loki giving birth to a _horse_ of all things (Clint's mind conjured up the image of a maternity ward, with all of the beds occupied with pregnant mares, and he quickly shook his head — nope, he was _not_ thinking about this).

"According to the myth, he didn't have much of a choice," Natasha said.

Thor (who had previously been grinning with a strange amount of enthusiasm) went suddenly still, his expression darkening. "Now that is a lie!" he bellowed. "Loki concocted that ridiculous plan all on his own!"

Tony snorted. "Yeah but I'm sure no one told him he had to — wait, _WHAT?!_ _"_ He whirled towards Thor, his eyes wide. "What do you _mean_ _—_ _that really happened?!_ _"_

Thor blinked. "Of course."

And then, no one said anything. They all sat still, all in various degrees of shock. Tony gaped, Natasha's eyebrows raised, Bruce and Steve seemed to be battling over who could blush the deepest, and Clint let out a series of choking sounds.

And Thor…well, Thor sat calmly, gulping down his drink, oblivious to his teammates' horror.

"Your…brother gave birth to a horse," Clint managed, after a long, awkward moment had passed.

"Yes," Thor replied. He cocked his head to the side thoughtfully. "Although he was not my brother at the time — rather, he had transformed himself into a mare. Quite an impressive creature, I must say — Loki is quite the skilled shapeshifter."

Clint's jaw dropped. "Okay, _how_ are you not weirded out by this _at all?!_ _"_

Thor's brow furrowed in confusion. "I do not understand."

Steve, still bright red, choked, "I think he means — your brother — well, he — "

"He did the dirty with a _horse!_ _"_ Tony cut in, a note of hysteria in his tone. "And then — and then he _gave birth to a little four-legged creature of his own!_ Thor, that is _not_ normal!"

"Eight."

Tony paused, and turned to Natasha. "What?"

"Sleipnir — Loki's child — had eight legs." She glanced at Thor, and he nodded in confirmation.

"Eight?" Steve repeated, sounding faint.

Bruce shook his head, evidently unable to comprehend any of it. "Thor — how is that _possible?_ _"_ he choked.

Thor beamed. "It is simple really!"

" _Simple?!_ _"_ Clint hissed incredulously.

"My brother transformed himself into a mare, and mated with the stallion, Svadilfari. He then gave birth to my nephew, Sleipnir, shortly after."

There was a moment of dead silence.

Bruce numbly reached for his glass of beer, and slugged back the entire thing.

"Holy shit," Tony muttered, "holy _shit,_ I knew Loki was fucked but — _holy shit!_ _"_

Thor tipped back his head, and slammed his fist on the table enthusiastically. "That is nothing!" he chortled. "I have yet to tell you about my other nephew, the serpent, Jormungand! Or perhaps the wolf, Fenrir — or my niece, Hela, the queen of Helheim herself!"

Tony's mouth opened and closed a few times. "I — I don't even know what to say," he managed.

"How about some more drinks?" Clint suggested, sounding far too hopeful.


End file.
